I had 11 days off over Christmas and New Year! I usually love taking that time to reflect, plan, and look ahead at the coming year. This time I did a tiny bit of that, but mostly I slept, watched telly, played video games, cooked food, and basically did as little as possible.
I obviously needed that mental break from thinking about work and life in general.
I wrote down a few things I’d like to think about and focus on in 2019 and briefly looked back on what I had wanted to accomplish in 2017 and 2018, but the reality is, well… I’ve lost all motivation. 2017 was a pretty harrowing year spent dealing with cancer and while this time last year I was very optimistic about moving on life always has its own ideas.
The one thing I can definitely say I’ve learned from 2018 is that nothing should be more important than my own well being and if I want to be happy big changes need to happen.
The last half of 2018 seems like one huge mess and I’ll admit I let it all get to me and it took it’s toll. I’m exhausted from all of the stress and utter BS I’ve dealt with. I recently said to a friend that I feel like I used so much energy in 2017 staying so positive throughout the diagnoses, multiple surgeries, hormones, and the end result of my cancer that now I am just so tired and don’t have anything left to fight and the build up of pressure over the last 6 months has left me empty.
It’s hard for me to admit something like that. I always try to stay positive and find a silver lining when things are bad, there’s always some blessing in disguise or good thing that can come out of it, but it’s been so damn hard the past few months to do that.
So my usual ‘yay it’s a new year’ attitude is pretty low key this year! The things on my list are more about focusing on the things I’ve been neglecting – health, happiness, relationships – with a few fun things thrown in for good measure.
I realised that I still want to go hike up Slieve Donard, something that got cancelled at the last minute in 2017 as it was the same week I was told I had cancer. I want to hike, travel a bit, spend time with friends, and most of all listen to how I’m feeling and speak up for myself more.
As Maya says, I want to thrive not just survive and the only way I’ll do that is by putting myself first.
What are you planning in 2019?
Take care of yourselves x