A Better Outlook

I had really high hopes for this year. The last few days of my holiday in the States I was really looking forward to coming home and making a huge splash with everything. Things just went downhill from there.

The fact that I was really looking forward to coming home (the UK) while on holiday in the US is something that I haven’t been able to come to grips with on its own. I’m really not sure what happened but Hubby said something that struck a chord last night. I’ve changed. I’m not the same person I was when I left the US or when I visited 2 years ago. I’m a completely different person now and that is a great thing. I was so excited to go see everyone and experience the US again. Seeing my family and friends was amazing and I loved every second of being able to spend time with them. But everything else? Not so much. I’m starting to realise I can’t just go back and expect it to always be the same. I’ve changed way too much for that now. The funny thing is, everything pretty much was exactly the same, except for me. It took that to really see just how much I have changed!

So I was really looking forward to coming home. Then we got the flu. That totally knocked us both out for a while and it took me ages to feel like myself again. But since I’ve been home I’ve been in this funk. The last few weeks it’s just gotten worse and worse and I was starting to get angry and was taking it out on everybody else. When I finally realised I was just sinking into a huge black hole I’m sure everyone had noticed I wasn’t myself. My boss snapped at me! I love my boss to bits but I was being so horrible to her and everyone that she’d finally had enough. I finally admitted to myself that this wasn’t good!

Since then I’ve had some really bad days, but it gets worse before it gets better most of the time and depression is certainly that way for me. Now I’m ready to move past it and focus on the good things and how I can change the things I need to change in order to feel happier. I’m a list girl, so I’ve got lists. I’ve got lists out the whazoo! I’ve had a week of self-pity and wallowing and now I’m ready to move on.

Today is the beginning of Lent and, although I am by no means religious, I’ve decided to sacrifice something. As I had already given up soda at the start of the year and am doing very well with that (I threw out nearly a full Diet Coke the other day because I couldn’t drink it) I decided the next thing I’d like to omit from my diet is sweets. I’m being very specific about this, so when I say “sweets” I mean candy. Licorice, gummy bears, Strawbs, Starmix, lollipops, etc. Candy has been my downfall my whole life. It’s time to let go of that.

I haven’t done any exercise other than walking in the last week, so tomorrow morning I’m going to start working out in the mornings again. Then I don’t have to feel awful when I come home and am too tired to work out because hey, I’ve already done it. 🙂