This year is so strange. I feel stuck in May, back when it was hot and sunny. I certainly felt better then. I feel like I’ve blinked and suddenly it’s September.
This is usually the start of my favourite time of year. The cooler weather, the leaves and sky changing colour and all that. But it feels weird this year, like an unexpected knock at the door. I just want to hide until it goes away and things go back to how they were.
But that’s not going to happen is it?
I feel stuck in one place but the world is going on around me like nothing has changed.
I’ve just realised as I write this that I’m angry about it.
Anger isn’t a very helpful emotion when I have nothing to focus that energy on. It’s not motivating me to do anything useful and I have nothing to do right now to feel productive or better. I’m just existing in a miasma of emotions that aren’t making me feel better.
You know that emotion wheel? It’s a mixture of the bad and angry sections with a couple of the sad ones thrown in for good measure.
Being stuck at home hasn’t helped me, I know that. But we are in a fucking pandemic so going out for the sake of getting out of the house seems counter productive at the moment.
Being trapped by a company that made me redundant also doesn’t help. I can’t move on while they hold me hostage furloughed (and that’s the least problematic issue of that whole situation).
I have loads of things I’d love to do around the house, but I need to save as much as possible in case I don’t find a new job quickly, so I’m not spending any money to do them.
So yes, I’m angry. Eventually I’ll be able to move forward but I can’t yet and it hurts being stuck in one place right now. All the personal development, mindfulness, and positivity stuff only goes so far.
I’ve been here before and I got through it. I know how resilient I am and that I can do that again. Acknowledging how I feel is always the hardest part. Knowing what I’m really dealing with now, maybe I’ll be able to find some bit of light in this black hole I find myself in.