When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
Lolly Daskal
Have you ever kept going with something even after it stopped serving your needs? Sometimes it’s difficult to see when you should move on or stop chasing the wrong thing, especially when you still hold that thing dear and maybe you’d rather hang on instead of upset routine or the safety net it gives you. But you should move on. Don’t stick with something that isn’t making you happy or supporting your needs!
Sometimes it takes you a while to see it or, if you’re like me, you give someone too many chances because you don’t want to lose them. At the end of the day if the situation isn’t changing for the better, if it’s no longer the right thing for you, or is making you feel uncomfortable or unwanted it’s absolutely time to stop chasing.
There’s massive truth to the saying ‘the best apology is changed behaviour’ for me. When you tell someone how they are hurting you and they continue to hurt you in the same exact way over and over without regard for what you’re saying, move on. When someone won’t be there for you when you need support but expects you to be there for them when they need it, that’s not a friendship or relationship you should be in.
When you give someone another chance and they prove to you they’ve changed by not repeating their hurtful behaviour? Those are the right people to give chances to, assuming you want to give them another chance that is!
Relationships of any kind can be a lot of work. Some of them feel easy, there’s no pressure to speak every day, you can pick up where you left off or just randomly talk to them and it’s not awkward or messy. It’s supportive and caring and you have no doubt that they are there for you.
The harder relationships can make you feel like you’re a burden. If the other person will never speak to me first or make any effort to keep in touch with me, won’t try to continue a conversation once it’s started, or just ignores me completely? I’ll shut down. I stop chasing.
It’s not easy to do, especially when it’s someone you really care about, but unfortunately it’s necessary sometimes. I recently had to stop chasing, stop telling someone how they were hurting me and stop giving them more chances to be better at just being my friend. Sometimes when you stop chasing, the other person will notice, will pick up the slack and make an effort. That didn’t happen and now I know I made the right choice. I can’t keep giving someone chances when they don’t even care enough to make an effort.
I also gave someone else a second chance and they’ve proven how much they care by actively not making the same mistakes they did before. Let me tell you, knowing that someone cares enough to never hurt you in the same way again feels good.
Losing someone sucks, but if someone can’t make an effort to keep you around then you should get to be done. It’s a big form of self care for me, letting go of people that no longer make me feel wanted. I think I communicate my needs pretty clearly and one of the things I need from my important relationships is not feeling like a burden. Because my depression and anxiety are really good at convincing me that’s exactly what I am I need people to make an effort, check on me regularly, just a message to ask how I am or what’s going on.
I don’t require that level of support from everyone and there are a lot of people that I don’t ever have to tell them I need it, they are good at doing it anyway. It’s a reflection of the awesome people I have in my life that they do it without having to be asked. So while I’ve lost a relationship that meant a lot to me I know I have people who love me and I’m able to focus on those relationships instead of chasing something that is wrong for me.
What lessons are you learning right now?