My lack of motivation is freaking me out. I’ve become complacent. Part of me wants to be happy now, to have confidence in myself now, to love myself NOW. Another part of me wants to hate myself.

And the rest of me wants the willpower and motivation to kick the other parts’ asses. To push myself to become the best version of myself. To look in the mirror and not want to burst into tears because I’m hideous. To love myself because I’m being good to myself and taking care of myself and not because I am stuck here.

I’m not living up to my own expectations, but even I am unclear as to what those expectations are! Feeling lousy about yourself because you think you should is stupid, but here I am.

I saw this on FB recently and floating around tumblr and various places. I’m letting my mind tell my body what to do, and I should be listening to my body!


I do have things that I’m proud of.


I completed it in Feb. It changed my body and I felt amazing.


I’m (however slowly) working my way through it. I’m a month in this time and no real visible or tangible results have come across yet, but I do feel good when I do it.


I’m eating cleaner and healthier than I have in years, partly due to following the P90X menu plan for a while and cooking more. During the week I cook a lot so I know exactly what’s going into my meals and it’s all fresh or whole foods. We slip up a bit at the weekends, but it’s pretty much the 80/20 rule.

I also cut out dairy (with the exception of protein powder), at the request of hubby, who is lactose intolerant and has been trying to get me to give it up for years. I’ve actually felt a difference since I’ve stopped having it. I’m rarely bloated and my stomach isn’t upset as much. When I do have something with milk in, like chocolate, I get bloated and feel heavy. So I’m glad that it’s made a difference. I thought I would miss it – cheese especially – but I don’t.

I’m longing to get back to the way I felt at the start of the year, but lacking any energy to get there. It’s such a slow process for me, and very back and forth. I feel great about myself for a little while, and then feel rubbish for a long time. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t break at the moment.

“The only way is through” seems appropriate. I’ll work through it and come out hopefully stronger.

My tentative workout plan for now is to continue P90X until September, then do Insanity again, and then I’ll re-evaluate my workouts. I’ve played around with the idea of doing 1 month of P90X then 1 month of Insanity and alternating. It would stop me getting bored with one and give my body a bit of variety. There’s always the hybrid option, too.

I’m itching to start running again and have found a good route for it; it’s just a matter of incorporating it into my schedule.

Now that I have a Kindle app, I want to get Bob Harper’s The Skinny Rules and have a read, too. 🙂

I need to have a sit down and make a plan. Write it all out and stick to it. I want the rest of this year to be productive on a personal level.

So this week I will:

  • Do week 4 of P90X
  • Eat clean and drink lots of water
  • Spend some time outside, even if it’s just for a walk.
  • Write out a plan for the next 6 months including ideas for workouts, food, projects and other things.
  • Decide what do with my hair on Saturday! Need a change.
I quite like this…


But I really like this too…

I have about a million photos of hair styles in case I want to chop my hair off. Or I might go for just some colour change instead. Half tempted to just arrive on Saturday and say ‘what would you like to do to me?!’ and see what happens!