Fall is Coming! Fall is Coming!

Every year I say the same thing, this is my favourite time of year! September is my favourite month (with the exception of December) because everything happens now as the world turns to winter. 🙂

I am off on holiday soon, too. I’m hoping for a lot of sea, sand, sun and shutting off everything else. Just me and Hubby and Cala Millor for 10 days. I’m hoping for a lot of change when we are back as well, but I’ll have to wait and see about that. I’m waiting on news from one interview and have another this week, which means with a bit of luck (and quick decisions) I could possibly come back to start a new job!

This last week I have felt insanely rubbish and beat myself up a lot and I’m trying to move past it but finding it difficult. I am stuck in a place and feel more trapped than ever with no plan on how to get out.

I need a plan. I need motivation. But I can’t find it.

I had a plan 8 weeks ago. I tried a new eating schedule which didn’t work out so well. Eating 8 times a day, no matter how small the meals/snacks are, is just way too much for me. Things got turned all upside down ever since and I haven’t gotten back on track yet.

I feel like giving up, like no matter what I do it won’t help or work or make any difference whatsoever, so I should just stop thinking about, worrying about, wasting my time on my weight. Maybe I’m just meant to be like this. If I think about it too much I cry.

Losing weight not about vanity for me, or being skinny or even a specific size. It’s never been about that. It’s about being healthy, that’s all. I know I’m technically healthier now than I was 6 and a half years ago at my highest weight. Even though this week I was only 12lbs away from that high weight, I know that I’m fitter now. I can run, I work out, I’m strong and can do more than I ever thought I could back then.

Why isn’t there a difference then? 6 and a half years is a long time, and that’s only since I moved to the UK. I’ve been trying to lose weight for much longer and have gotten absolutely no where.

I know what I need to do, what to eat, how to exercise, I do everything right but get nothing back. Medication doesn’t help. So I get depressed and sink down a little further each time. When I manage to climb out, it goes back into the same cycle over and over and over.

I need to break out. I need help with it, but I don’t know what kind of help I need.

The best part of last week was Thursday and Friday: Thursday I did 60 minutes on the treadmill – speed intervals. Walking and running, 2 mins each. I felt amazing after. Friday I went out and spent a few hours with some friends, we had a few drinks, played Just Dance, planked random things and just had fun.

Those two things counteracted the whole shite week I had and all the negative thoughts, but they are still there and I still feel useless because I never get results.

So I need a plan. I haven’t come up with one, yet. But I will. Tomorrow I have to start going to the gym regularly again, I have abs class twice a week until I’m away! Painful, yep – but worth it! I also have a class next week on how to defend myself against attackers! That will be fun. I’ve always wanted to do one.

Then holiday.

October will be busy, we don’t have a free holiday until after Bonfire Night in November, but then our winter is completely free for now. But I’m not going to think about that. I’m going to focus on the next two weeks for now. Getting through until the 19th, doing everything I can to make sure I don’t feel like I do now. I want to feel strong and healthy on holiday.

No. I will be strong and healthy on holiday. And I will beat this.

So my challenge for the month of September is this: to not give up or feel useless about my weight or myself, or anything else.