I’m still been battling the infections, but I believe they’ve all gone now for the most part. The Bank Holiday weekend was exactly what I needed and after dragging poor Hubby around shopping for clothes for him it was nice to relax and not do much for the rest of it. I went to bed early pretty much every night and got loads of rest, which was much needed.

Work has been super busy and it’s good. It keeps me from eating loads. Eating breakfast helps, too. I don’t start thinking about food until lunch time and then in the afternoon I’m so swamped I don’t even think about it and next thing I know it’s almost 5. The trouble is when I get home, I tend to snack then instead. But today I’m not – I’m here, writing. Then I’m going to go for a run, then a bath. I deserve a bath!

I wanted to write a bit about confidence. I asked a question of a friend this week, about why guys are so drawn to me. He replied with one word: confident.Admittedly, I was a bit shocked. Anyone who knows me very well will know that I’m not very confident at all. Especially when it counts.

So what makes someone confident? I don’t believe it’s just a matter of knowing you are good at something and having abilities or knowledge that are needed. I know I’m good at things, I’m smart and can do a lot of things well. But I’m not confident about myself.

Is it linked to self esteem? Possibly. I have crap self esteem. There are days when I feel good about myself, and on those days I can pull off confident. But those days are pretty rare. defines confidence as:

  1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing: We have every confidence in their ability to succeed.
  2. belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him.
  3. certitude; assurance: He described the situation with such confidence that the audience believed him completely.

With this in mind, it seems to be that I don’t believe in myself. I do believe in myself, though. So what’s stopping me from being confident about myself? Is it my weight? Is it my personality? Is it my difficulty with connecting to others?

I have never been outspoken or outgoing, generally speaking. I lack the ability to just speak to people and feel comfortable doing it. Even on the phone, I’m uncomfortable talking to people unless I know them really well. It is definitely an anxiety that developed (or I am genetically disposed to have) and it’s one I’ve never been able to get over.

I think there’s a connection there. I’m confident inwardly, but there’s no outward sign of it.

I’m trying to change this. I know that I need to do more, to have more of those days where I feel really good, strong and happy about myself.

It’s a fight, a real fight, when you struggle with depression, to feel good – about anything. I tend to be more negative and see the bad much more easily than the good.

So I need to work on loving me (oh wow, my Hubby has been telling me this for YEARS) and being happy with who I am now, and not some imaginary vision of who I want to be, of who I am not. I need to keep in mind who I want to be, and work towards it, of course. But I need to accept myself right now, today.

I think that might take a bit of time…