It’s a Sabotage.

We all sabotage ourselves. Whether it’s conscious or not, we create situations where we are destined to fail because we don’t want to succeed, usually due to fear. Fear is such a powerful thing because we give it power. To be afraid is to give fear control over your life.

It’s difficult to not be afraid sometimes. In the past 12 months I’ve been able to let go of a lot of fear. I’ve travelled to Northern Ireland and London for work, I’ve met with clients on my own, I’ve put out ideas, went on holiday to a new place, tried new food. I could go on and on! My newfound confidence has come from a plethora of places, but I seem to have reached my limit.

I go on and on about this plateau I’ve hit with my weight loss, I’m sick of hearing myself whine about it so I know everyone else is as well! The past month I’ve let myself go wild in a sense. I’m still exercising, but not like I used to when I was getting results, and I’m eating pretty much whatever I want, which is not what I should be doing at all. I’ve become a bit complacent with the situation, something I should never have let happen, but here I am. It’s carried over into other things the past few weeks, work, home and my whole life in general.

Hence, the past week I’ve started to feel like I’m sabotaging myself and all the changes I’ve made in the past year are slowly coming undone.

This month, in fact this week, marks 1 year since I started seeing my doctor for weight loss. I’m only a quarter of the way to my goal. Granted, it’s better than nothing and I am not belittling my accomplishments thus far, but I feel like I should be so much farther along. The only one to blame for my unhappiness with my situation is myself.

I have this terrible habit of getting very excited about starting something new, but then losing interest after the excitement has worn off. Perhaps that’s what’s happened here. I need that excitement back, something that will motivate me to get back on track. I can’t think of what that something could be.

I’m still getting up at 5am to work out; I will need to change my workouts again though. Maybe go back to what I was doing in the beginning and also get back into running properly, I let that go and wish I hadn’t. My food seems to be the real issue at the moment; I just don’t seem to have any willpower to stop myself from eating the foods I know I shouldn’t. This will be hard, but I need to make the effort, go back to tracking my foods and watching my calories.

As for the rest of my life… I’m unsure of what I really want right now. There are a few aspects I’m not happy with and there’s just no visible path to change them. I’m going to have to be patient and have faith that when the time is right, something will come my way.

Thursday is my 4th wedding anniversary! I’m so thrilled. I love my husband more than anything else in the world and feel so blessed to have him in my life. He is one of the very few people in my life that I can truly be myself with. I can’t put into words what he means to me, it’s such a powerful feeling. <3

I have holiday from work at the end of the month, which I’m really looking forward to. I’m not going away anywhere and hubby isn’t taking time off (that I know of!) so it’s just me. I’m planning to get some things around the house done, painting, organising, cleaning, etc. I hope the time off will be good and give me some time to re-organise myself and give me time to think about what direction I need to take. I need to breakthrough this wall I’ve hit and come through the other side recommitted and motivated to get the job done.