All Our Lives

I thought “If I could tell her something I would tell her this
There’s only two mistakes that I have made
It’s running from the people who could love me best
And trying to fix a world that I can’t change.”

– All Our Lives by Andrew McMahon

I’m not entirely sure what I should write about, but I know I want to be writing. So this may or may not get published…

I’m still feeling frustrated. Since my last post things have escalated, we have to wait longer for the house to be done now. Unsurprising given they have never built it before anywhere, but frustrating nonetheless.

I’d love to be able to say I’m channeling all that frustration into something productive and good, but I don’t think I am. It certainly isn’t helping that since we’ve moved into this rental I’ve been ill at least 4 times that I can remember. Battling my fourth illness in as many months is not my idea of being productive. It just leads me to the question: Is my body giving up too?

Not that I’m giving up. I’m just, I don’t know… Taking time off from… Everything? Giving up certainly isn’t what I’m doing because, let’s be honest here, if I was going to give up I’d have done it a very long time ago and you wouldn’t be reading this. How macabre of me, but sometimes life is like that.

This whole situation is something I’d talk to my friend Karla about and she would be honest and open and amazing and I’d feel better because she had such a beautiful gift of making you never feel alone, even when she was 3,000 miles away. But I can’t talk to her and this is the first time since losing her that it’s hit me.

It’s not my intention to write about Karla, or what happened. At least not yet. One day I will I’m sure, but for now it’s a little too raw and very close to home for me mentally. So let’s move on, shall we?

I’ve been trying to work out regularly again, and the last two weeks I’ve done 3x a week which is better than the previous weeks. I imagine I won’t get a whole lot done this week if I can’t breathe. We’ll see how it goes.

I’m also trying to cook more. It’s only taken me what? 4 months to finally get back into cooking most of the time… But at least when I do cook it’s healthy stuff for the most part.

I’ve taken to buying clothes even though I should really stop spending money, so no more of that! I should be good now for a while though, so there’s that! Saving mode is now enabled.

One day at a time right?