I had a night to myself tonight because hubby is out with work partying and having a wonderful time. I would have liked to have gone but as it’s so far away (1.5 hour drive) I wouldn’t have gotten there till late and it’d have been too much hassle. I’m OK with him going out as they are very stressed at work and I know he needs it. Somewhere inside me though, I’m not OK with it.

I had a plan for tonight. I was going to exercise (because I didn’t last night) and then clean the upstairs. I haven’t done any of that. Instead I ate as soon as I got home (crap food too so I feel even WORSE about myself) and was reading a forum I belong to for some insight to when we travel back to the US in November.

Things get progressively worse from here. I find out that my US driving license may not be valid anymore. I’m not sure if it is and short of ringing them, which I’m reluctant to do because then I’ll have to tell them I don’t live in the US and they may make it invalid when it isn’t, I’ll have to wait until we go over to find out. If it is still valid I will have to change my address because the DMV is not to be trusted. I also learn that while most rental car companies accept foreign licenses some only accept them if you’ve had them over a year. In panic mode now because 1) what if my US license is no good? and 2) I’ve only had my UK license for 2 months so far! I go in search of answers. Thrifty say they accept them as long as they are valid, but the T&C for the one I had booked (from the UK as insurances are included then) said it had to be good for at least a year. I’m still waiting on Enterprise’s stance as they don’t have a clear answer on their website.

During all of this I was half watching Super Nanny on TV. The couple had 4 kids and near the end when they were on their own the oldest boy starting HITTING the mum! The dad just stood there and watched and the mum did nothing to stop him either. WTF?! That really upset me as the father wasn’t very good at being a dad to begin with and never spent any time with his children and thought that it was OK to ignore them and think only of himself. Why do people like that have kids and always have SO MANY of them? If you want to be selfish and think only of yourself surely you should know having kids won’t help that!!

So all in all a rather horrible night, as usual when Hubby is away. I didn’t work out and feel crap for not doing it emotionally and physically. I ate a load of crap, so feel sick and horrible from that as well! I’ve now cried so hard I nearly made myself ill because I fell so awful and horrid for everything and worrying about rental cars and driving licenses. (Why oh why do I always create things to worry about?!) And I haven’t cleaned. I just keeping thinking over and over “Why are things so difficult?” when it’s usually because I make it that way.

I wish I was strong, strong enough to stop myself from all this destructiveness and do something positive. My intentions are always good but never last more than a day or two. I then always feel like shit and would like to disappear so no one else would have to be disappointed in me the way I’m disappointed in myself.