“It hurts remembering how it felt to shut down”

My title comes from Careful by Paramore. It is one of my currently fave songs because of this one line. When I finally listened to the lyrics and heard it I was a bit shocked. Shocked because that one line sums up how I look back on my life.

I’ve dealt with depression for a very long time, first with my mom then myself. I liked to fool myself into thinking I never got as bad as my mom did when she would spend days in her room, but looking back I know I did. It didn’t manifest itself in the same way, but it was just as bad. I can’t look back objectionably and I can’t see what others did but just looking back from where I am now and the person I am now I see things I never saw before.

The things I see are scary and dark and it does hurt. But I’m also very thankful that I am no longer suffering like I was. I never went to the doctor, had medication or saw a therapist for my depression. My husband has been all of those things for me and so much more. Maybe that sounds crazy to outsiders, maybe not. All I know is that if it wasn’t for him I would definitely not be the person I am today and meeting him is best thing that could have ever come out of my depression.

This song now has a lot of meaning for me, it’s about strength and making things happen for yourself and so what if you were hurt in the past – it has no bearing on your future. It’s great to run to as well and incredibly motivating.

The truth never set me free so I’ll do it myself