I miss my college days. After my dad went to Japan for work and I was on my own was the most amazing time for me. It was the happiest and unhappiest time of my life. Living on my own was not something that was good for me, being as depressed as I was at the time but it taught me more about myself than any other time. The biggest lesson I learned about myself was that I can survive on my own and do the things I need to if I don’t have anyone else to do them for me (like phoning people!).

What I miss the most is the freedom I had. I stayed up all night (and developed a horrible case of insomnia and caffeine addiction) chatting on IRC and met some amazing people online. I loved being able to do what I wanted. I was my most creative during that time, too. I would redesign my website every few months. I was constantly learning and making enhancements to my creations. I would sit there in my old, comfy armchair listening to music with the window open and just get lost in the code and the chat. I felt more alive then than I do now.

Thinking back on that time, I miss it so much it hurts! I resent the monotonous, mediocre day-to-day that I’m stuck in now. I feel like I’m losing myself in this tediousness. There’s not a lot I can do about it, unfortunately; it’s all a part of “growing up” and being responsible. I yearn to find a way I can have a part of those days back while still being a responsible adult. I wonder if that’s even possible?

As I’m sat here writing I have my headphones on listening to Paramore, my can’t-get-enough-of-them band of the moment, and the window open trying to get some of that feeling back. I spent a little bit earlier having a look at CSS themes, but realised it’s too easy to just copy someone else these days with free themes available at every turn! I found one I absolutely love and that makes me sad. I want to create my own, something that’s all mine again.

Everybody sing
Like it’s the last song you will ever sing
Tell me, tell me do you feel the pressure now
Everybody live, like it’s the last day
You will ever see
Tell me, tell me do you feel the pressure now

– Born For This, Paramore